Music and Paint

I have been painting....In silence, the night.....quietly with my earphones on and the world tuned out. It pleases me to put paint on my fingers and clothes as well as the canvas. What a curious feeling it is. Looking at something so hard while trying to copy the little detail that your eye sees but you don't consciously think about. Detail while still keeping spirit is thrilling. But I realise how fragile a illusion it is. It is trickery. Lying to the eye. Every color, every brush stroke is a little tiny gust of something that I can't quiet put my finger on. There is no explanation as to why I did what or what color should go where. I watch my children draw with abandon. Not caring about how things come out. I have to use the conduit of music to get there and am not so secretly green about it all. I watch them and wonder if it is a lack of confidence that keeps me painting out of eyesight of others, The need to control all aspects of the painting or an unwillingness to be interrupted and risk losing momentum. One way or the other I am looking to dazzle. I crave the beauty of it. When the painting is gone. It is like I never did it. That is why I like photographs.....You can always reprint.....Or I could try doing as Degas did just keep painting at the keyhole. I think I should buy some more fruit. One more apple painting might not be such a bad idea. Maybe I will go really big this time.. Maybe I will watch and see what happens to catch my eye, until then, I will finish this one and let you see it before I'm done. I trust you.