The Sour

As with all things be careful of boasting about good things, because there is always that curve ball waiting (a trench coated curve ball waited for me in a foggy alley last week). During our family vacation I learned that my grandmother passed away. I was looking for a way to describe how I feel about all of this to the people around me and I still haven't a clue. I expressed to a friend that I lost her. "Yes, I set her down in the park and some strange bird swooped down and picked her up and carried her off.." I didn't lose her - I lost something much more valuable, time. The time that I could have spent getting to know her as an adult sloshed through my fingers and I feel the loss of it. I regret it. I know too that I feel like a fraud. Admitting to people that this is going on in my life feels like I am not being respectful of people who were close to their grandparents and then lost them... (there it is again) I don't want to say died.

The last time I saw my grandmother I thought about her hands. Throughout the years I have watched her hands age and become the high contrast map of her. Her nails always nicely done courtesy of my sweet and endlessly patient Aunt. The pale pinks and sculpted nails of her, always carefully filed to just the right height. A tissue sometimes tucked in her sleeve. The smell of pot roast and potatoes boiling. I can remember looking down at my hands with their grimy nails and chipped cuticles and thinking that I had better go wash before she caught me. I didn't want her to see me lacking. There were so many other grandchildren who were the epitome of perfection. Now looking back I wonder how is it that the slippers and socks that she bought me as a kid are now the only thing I ever ask for at Christmas but the last thing I wanted then? I think that Dumbledore was right....You can never have too many warm wool socks.

The Sweetness

This summer, with doom and gloom that surrounds us has felt like an oasis for me. I feel the sweetness like a gift from God. From the Farmers market in my hometown to knocking around at the book barn (sweet) Spending time being able to enjoy the company of friends and laughing so much it hurts. (Sweetness) There is no need to spend money on a big meal......There is the phone call "Well, what have you got in your fridge...yeah cool that came out of your garden sweet..... well I have this in mine and some of that frozen sounds great........" I have enjoyed fireworks, walks at my favorite parks with my favorite people, sand between my toes and blue sea around me. I know that every news program shouts at me how deep in debt I am and how I will lose my house or my job if I am not careful, but for now in this piece of peace I can keep back these adult nightmares and just be in the Present. Last Saturday morning I was walking through a little local farmers market and there were my neighbors selling the soaps they had made or the honey from their bees, the maple syrup from their trees. It felt right. So for you my friends reading this. Thank you for having a great summer with me......Get this we still have weeks left in which to have fun. My bathing suit is drying on the line and I think it is time to be sandy and salty again.....Hey the Raspberries are really getting ripe......Sweet.

Music and Paint

I have been painting....In silence, the night.....quietly with my earphones on and the world tuned out. It pleases me to put paint on my fingers and clothes as well as the canvas. What a curious feeling it is. Looking at something so hard while trying to copy the little detail that your eye sees but you don't consciously think about. Detail while still keeping spirit is thrilling. But I realise how fragile a illusion it is. It is trickery. Lying to the eye. Every color, every brush stroke is a little tiny gust of something that I can't quiet put my finger on. There is no explanation as to why I did what or what color should go where. I watch my children draw with abandon. Not caring about how things come out. I have to use the conduit of music to get there and am not so secretly green about it all. I watch them and wonder if it is a lack of confidence that keeps me painting out of eyesight of others, The need to control all aspects of the painting or an unwillingness to be interrupted and risk losing momentum. One way or the other I am looking to dazzle. I crave the beauty of it. When the painting is gone. It is like I never did it. That is why I like photographs.....You can always reprint.....Or I could try doing as Degas did just keep painting at the keyhole. I think I should buy some more fruit. One more apple painting might not be such a bad idea. Maybe I will go really big this time.. Maybe I will watch and see what happens to catch my eye, until then, I will finish this one and let you see it before I'm done. I trust you.

Laughter (Not for children)

I had a friend who recently told me she laughed so hard it felt like doing stomach crunches the next day. That is weight loss for me. I was sitting......(um) in a quiet spot for a moment with the door closed, thinking about laughter and how close to other physical responses it is. At this point I think I should say this is not a PG post. A good climax is like laughter (please people I have kids) or even a good cleansing cry. You feel emotionally stronger and clean after. There is a bond to yourself and to the person you have laughed with. Crying and having someone hold you. (I think you understand). I want to share a few of the stories that made me laugh in the past few weeks. My husband and I have seen some good friends during vacation time and I know that I am blessed with laughter. Seeing my long distance friends (..... my best friend Cheryl....she made me write that) it also brings into focus all the other people who really make me laugh daily. One of my favorite stories to tell about Cheryl is about her daughter Corrie. Corrie now grown, was about five. Corrie had a thing for wolfing down her food rather than chewing. Cheryl had spoken to Corrie on several occasions about the fact she needed to chew her food. What really sticks in a child's head? Visual examples. Cheryl a working mom needed daycare for Corrie. One day as she was picking her up at a home based daycare Corrie started complaining of a stomach ache. Cheryl told me that she tried to hustle Corrie out of the house but just as they reached the foyer with its gleaming wood floors, Corrie gave one great heave and lost everything she had in her stomach. A steamy mass of partially chewed Mac and Cheese. Cheryl's first response as she told it was not comfort or sickness of her offspring. No Cheryl told me later that her first words were. "Corrie....See....look, I told you to chew your food." (As an added disclaimer Cheryl is one of the most devoted and loving parent I have ever met)

Some of my other favorites were our friend Jeff telling us about his grown sons love of all things trucks as a boy. Josh would point out trucks and even yell them out in public if he though he wasn't being listened to. Not uncommon my son and nephew do the same. Josh couldn't say truck or gas though it sounded like gas with no Gu sound and truck with a FF sound. So running through an airport trying to catch a flight as his son sees a gas truck refueling a plane sounds like he is yelling A*@ F#$K daddy. Look Daddy...No look daddy. "Ah yes Joshy a GAS TRUCK" said very carefully. Ah yes the Gas Truck.......... My own contribution to this was my son wanting to send everyone X's and O's with his letters to let people know he loves them but it sounded to me at first like he wanted to send Ex's and ho's.....not my first thought when it comes to love but funny just the same. Seeing friends from far away also makes me understand just how blessed I am in my day to day life with laughter. Thank you my friends.